Fear Changes

It’s been a while.

Not to say that I’m coming back regularly, just that, time flies. No, i’m not having so much fun that I forget to write or that if I had been writing everyday I’d be a better person for it, or would I be? Actually, I don’t know that. Truth is, I don’t really know much of what I want to know.

The fear of change, the fear of uncertainty, the fear of this, the fear of that, it just never ends. Oh but they say, “don’t fear!” as if it’s easy. I know that they know that it is NOT easy, but for some people, like me, we need a process that works. We need that moment of clarity, that epiphany, that “sign” to help us get out of this hole. Let me give you an example:

For years growing up, I had this recurring dream. Think “The Matrix” world when Neo sees the “real” world on the TV when he first starts learning about the matrix. Fallen city, dark sky, smoke rising from all over, and no one there. I was all alone and as a kid this scared me. But wait! There’s more! Within this world was a (non-snow) abominable snow monster thing. This… thing… would chase me around this world scaring the s*** out of me to kingdom come.

Well, it was years of this sometimes once a week, more or less, that I dreaded this nightmare. Until one day, I don’t honestly remember what lead to it, but the mask came off and it turned out to be someone I knew in my life, that I feared/disliked A LOT.

After the revealing of who this person was, not only was I no longer scared of her, I also didn’t let her actions define my reactions. I learned from that moment of clarity or revelation (whatever you want to call it), that there’s nothing this person can do to ACTUALLY hurt me.

Let me guess, you’re thinking to yourself, “uhh, isn’t that enough to stop you from caring what others think about you, or not to be scared of doing something you want?” No, actually it’s not enough.

My brain from how I grew up, how I learned to manage emotions and everything else. Separates each experience into it’s own category. If you’ve ever watched me organize something, I am so meticulous in the “categories” that others say, I have too many at times. Well, that’s how my brain learned to separate everything I experience. Another example:

Dating two different females. You know where I’m going with this right? Of course, an experience of dating two different females is going to be different, they’re different people. Well, if I leave one relationship and enter into a new one, it’s a whole new learning process to me. What makes this girl happy, what makes her laugh. It sure as hell isn’t the same stuff as the other. Maybe there’s a little bit of overlap, but in the big picture… you get it.

The point of the two examples is that, for me, I need a process that works and that I am confident enough in myself to do. If I don’t think I can complete it, I probably won’t. Unless, I get this “sign” or reassurance that I can, then I go for it. But my long-term motivation game is… not so long-term.

Fear changes a lot. It changes people for the good when it changes from fear to total determination and faith. It also changes people for the worse, like me, when it goes from faith to fear.

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Give me a sign oh universe, that my fear is fake! Help me find the will power and courage I need to succeed!

Lastly, apples are good for you.

K thanks bye!

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