Just a short post about my anger and resentment. Not a happy, fun post so if you’re looking for that, you won’t find it here.
I recently started talking to someone about my anger and resentment about my past experiences and the topic of forgiveness came up. More like he shared a worksheet on it with me and I’ve been looking through it. The reason I am writing this post is because it asks for the pros and cons of forgiving. What would the pros and cons be if I forgive the wrongdoers in my life. I put down as a pro, “Not having something to be angry about”.
I then drew a line with arrows on each end indicating that it applied to both. It’s a pro because, hell, I wouldn’t be so angry about the situation. But it’s also a con because I’ve been angry for so long, it feels impossible to just “let go” and work on moving forward. If I forgave, and I had nothing to be angry about (with a particular person), where would my anger go? Would I end up adding it to someone else or would I have a breaking point with someone that I’m not angry at and just lash out?
I feel like I NEED to be angry. Like I NEED someone or something to direct my negativity and pain towards because they are the root of all of this build up. I learned at a young age to expect people to choose others over me, I learned to just assume that eventually for whatever reason, everyone is going to leave you and if they didn’t, I was the one who began to push them out.
Now the rational side of my brain says, “dude, you’ve still got people around you”,quit being dumb, don’t push people away that’s stupid, you’re not a complete loner, but the irrational side is so haywire and fucked up that I can’t even begin to untangle the web. It’s the constant barrage of insecurity that leaves me feeling so alone in this fight. How could anyone begin to understand me and help? Don’t confuse my anger and insecurities for depression. I’ve been down that road before. It’s worse than where I am now.
Part of me wants to forgive because I WANT to move on, I want to get out of this hell that’s inside my head! I want to learn how to commit, I want to learn how to be a better friend, and how to keep people in my life. I want to be able to move on. But I’m so far into this “person” that I am, that I feel obligated to remain the same and I feel obligated to “stay” the well-mannered, respectful, and reserved me. No one wants to hear how shitty someone else’s life is. I’m pretty damn good at hiding the truth about how I feel daily on the inside. I feel stuck to this identity that everyone sees me as and that I can’t show my pain, I can’t show the real me.
If I’ve ever talked to anyone about where I’m going from here at this point in my life. Talking about moving from Arizona to North Carolina or some other place, it’s because I’m trying to get out of this feeling of being stuck where I feel like I have to be this person that I don’t want to be anymore.
So will I ever forgive him for his choices that affected me so negatively? I don’t know. Again, I want too, but I’m a little scared of not knowing what to do afterwards… I don’t know how to change myself into the person I want to be. My hope is that when I do know how to change, I’ll be able to forgive because there’s nothing for me to lose. Hanging on to this anger is the only thing keeping me driving forward to be a better person.
“You can’t become a better person AND drag yourself through a fire.” -Me
“I know” – also Me