Life in Degrees…
I just wanted to give a brief update for anyone interested. A short post (I hope) about my relation with my parents.
Some may be wondering if I have talked to him about this or not, and the answer is no. Partly because I believe that if we talked about it, it wouldn’t end well, and we would be worse off than we are now. Another part is, I have a hard time expressing myself in person or in “real time”. So I stick to writing it out, because this is where I can fully express myself. They say, “time heals”, if that’s true, then, honestly, I still need time. Obviously, they’re family and I will always treat them as such, but everyone knows that there are different degrees (for lack of a better word) in relationships, especially when it comes to family relations.
To do this I’m going to make a degree range that will better explain where my parents are in my life. By that I mean, how involved they are with me and how involved I am with them.
My Involvement in Their Life
So, the degree range will be 1 – 100. 1 will mean that I DO NOT associate with them period, and 100 would be like my wife, if I had one haha.
My mother. My involvement in my mother’s life, it’s pretty close to maybe 75 – 85. After I started school at Northern Arizona University (NAU), our relationship became so much better and stronger to the point where I tell her almost everything. We don’t talk every week and definitely not everyday, but she’s always there for me when I need her.
My father. My involvement in my father’s life since high school has been more like a 5 – 10. After what happened in middle school, things were pretty rough until around my third year of college. I think this is because by then, I had given up on trying. I rarely saw him, we rarely talked. When I started at NAU, that didn’t change much. I saw him maybe once a year and the only time we “talked” was holidays and birthdays.
Their Involvement in My Life
For this one, the numbers basically mean the same, but I will explain in each how involved they are, in my opinion.
My mother. She’s still around 75 – 85. She’s my number one fan, she’s constantly checking up on me, she knows my dreams and goals, and she supports me in all of them.
My father. In the last five years (after my first three years of college), I feel that his involvement in my life is more like a 10 – 15. Minimal contact, he doesn’t know my dreams, he doesn’t know much about my last five years except what I’ve shared on social media. To be honest though, I feel like it’s too late now though. Like I mentioned above, I still need time away from “trying” to be a father and son. So I would be hesitant to really tell him much.
Family relationships are hard. They test you in ways that friendships cannot and as you grow up, you really learn how it is that you want to be when you’re an adult or parent. You differentiate how you want to be taught lessons and how you want show your kids what life is all about when they’re old enough.
It is a life goal to have my own family, but is it wrong to still be scared about whether or not, you’ll be a good parent? Would I make a good enough husband to whoever my wife is someday? Only time will tell.