Sorry if my constant posting is annoying, it’s only for another week. I hope you enjoy this read.
“And yes, love is the answer,
love is the key but if you can’t love yourself
how could you ever love me.
And loving yourself what does that even mean
like massages and selfies and that sort of thing?
Because the more I think about it the more it feels weird,
I’ve always been taught that self-love is something to be feared.
I’ve been taught that arrogance is bad
and vanity, it’s not good.
And even my bracelets are telling me to act like Jesus would.
So what should I do?
How should I act?
I am supposed to love myself
but how do I even do that?”
– Adam Roa
One of my favorite videos is “You Are Who You’ve Been Looking For” by Adam Roa. I watched this video almost everyday for a month just before I started work. Hoping that this would serve as a daily affirmation of sorts. I want to say that this video helped me, and in some ways it did. However, I don’t think it helped me in the way that I needed.
One of the hardest things for me to do in life, is to truly love myself. I’m still trying to find fulfillment in other people. I’m still trying to be someone more than I am. It’s okay to strive to be more, I know that, and I know it’s not okay to want to be someone else, I know that too, but I still cannot act on this knowledge. You see, I learned to be what others needed me to be.
I was taught to never speak before thinking about it. Obviously, I wasn’t perfect at this, but no one is. I grew up always fearful of speaking up, because I felt that what I wanted to say and what I need was insignificant and of no worth to others. Even today, I sacrifice more of my needs for the desires of others to give them more happiness and less suffering. I find joy in being the one that others need, but I fail to be the one that I deserve.
The hardest of them all. How people see me has always been a concern of mine. I always feel the need to act a certain way or say certain things just to fit in. I don’t like the idea of someone thinking negatively of me and that, unfortunately, means I don’t express my feelings when I should. I don’t stand up for something I believe in even at the moment it is most needed. Instead of standing alone for something greater than myself, I stand alone among others, and I watch idly as they rise and fall.
I’ve been this way for so long that if someone were to ask me who I was and what it is that I stand for, I wouldn’t be able to give a straight answer. My head would be scrambling to find a justification for how I live and what it is I believe in. I would be swarmed by the words that I could use and fail to speak the words I should say. Being myself is a wave in the ocean so vast, that I lost myself in the swim.
I find myself thinking more and more about how I can change, how to format the mindset, how to see WHO I want to be, and how to get there. What can I do? I can start each day by looking in the mirror and saying,
“I Am Who I’ve Been Looking For.”